How to deal with hurt...

Today's topic is going to get really raw and emotional for me, so if you aren't into that and prefer my fluffy light stuff then you might wanna skip this post and check back tomorrow for a what's in my purse post. 

I know most people have been hurt. 

But no one ever tells you how to deal with that, do you just ball your eyes out until your eyes feel raw, your head hurts, you can no longer breathe through your nose and you feel like a depressed monster under the bed that everyone fears. 

Or do you take it out as anger on the first person who interacts with you and doesn't deserve it or know why you are so on edge. That you end up apologizing and seeming like you are OScar the grouch from Sesame Street everyday.

Maybe you just drink, or abuse whatever substance is your guilty pleasure. It helps you escape your problem at hand. It allows for your problems to float away and become the fog that hugs the moon at night. 

Perhaps, you freeze. You go into your igloo and seal the door shut. Any interaction with the person that hurt you becomes frigid, distant, and confusing. Instead of allowing your mind to process the hurt or deal with it you shut it away. You pretend it never happened, you become a hermit of your own accord to those around you. Even those that are just trying to help you. 

Worst of all, you close off. You stop feeling. You just wish for death. You cannot take anymore hurt. There is no point in dealing with anything, feeling anything. The little changes you may make to help the problem or hurt go away will only come back in a week. 

If any or all of these sound familiar, it's okay. 

I've been through all of them at one point or another. 

Today, was supposed to be a light hearted post that I had almost finished about what's in my purse. It will be posted tomorrow!

But today I was hurt. 

Yet again.

 

Writing is my way of coping. Some people kick and scream, others go to the gym. I like to write. I've been hurt so many times that I cannot bear to have face to face confrontation so I feel more comfortable expressing myself through email or text. I feel like if I don't write it down I will say something I don't mean or not express myself in the most eloquent of fashion. Writing is better for me because I feel like it is in black and white you cannot change the words on the screen. You cannot say he said she said because the proof is literally in the writing. 

However, when your form of expression is greeted as immature or bratty it hurts. The hurt you had been able to express so freely becomes an anxiety. That anxiety becomes more hurt and turns into anger. So when you do find your voice of expression you say words out of hurt. Though those words may not be what you mean you end up hurting the other person instead of communicating. You end up looking for validation else where. 

It is not entirely the other parties fault, it is my fault as well. I recognize that completely. 

But I'm tired. 
I'm tired of being hurt. I'm tired of dealing with hurt the way I have been. I'm tired of trying. I'm tired of school. I'm tired of dragging myself around. I'm tired of living life. I'm tired of protecting my heart. I'm tired of being strong. I'm tired of my internship. I'm tired of driving. I'm tired of getting ready. I'm tired of trying to impress someone who doesn't see that. I'm tired of bottling everything up. I'm tired of seeing how horrible I am. I am tired of trying. I am starved and my soul feels small, invisible, atrophied. I am not my own person. I'm tired of this, and the constant competition. I am tired of keeping score, staying even. I'm tired of being lonely and alone. I'm tired of being misrepresented and misunderstood. 

I am at the point that most of us reach where you feel all of the above at once. When the hurt that someone has caused hurts so much you can't. 

I can't. 

Maybe we need to read motivation quotes, maybe we need to find our self worth in something other than the approval of society's beauty standards, the education systems grades, the unethical work environment where we just want to be rewarded for our hard work that goes unnoticed. 

Instead of seeking these things, we should be seeking praise, self worth, and a grade from God or whatever you believe in. 

 To deal with hurt would be impossible. 

All we can do is cope with hurt. 

We have to hand over our hurt and our pain to God. 

Believe me it is hard. I wanted to give up, so bad. 

I still do. 

But life gives you lemons and we've got to make a lemonade. 

I guess, giving up our hurt to God helps, but it isn't the end all be all. There isn't a magical weight lifted off of your shoulders. There isn't anything in specific that you can feel or see. You still have to deal with the problem, you still have to deal with the hurt, you still have to talk to the person that hurt you. 

That is what hurts the most. Sometimes things won't turn out how you anticipate, sometimes a breakup will occur. And you have to be ready for that additional hurt. That hurt that is gut wrenching. That hurt that is so deep that you may cry for weeks or months over. Sometimes that breakup is losing a friend, losing a mate, losing a classmate, losing a loved one. That is what you have to pray for. Strength to help you get past the hurt. To have enough self love to care about how you will deal with your hurt. 

I can't really give you a step by step guidebook as to how to deal with hurt. Many of us including myself are so hung up on our hurt that we fail to recognize the hurt that we caused the other person. We fail to deal and validate their hurt in turn they do the same to us and nothing ever gets solved. It is a vicious cycle that never ends. A vicious cycle that will be the end of me if I am totally honest. I said this post was going to get real and raw. 

I am very hurt, I am at the point where I feel all of the above. 
Where I am done trying. 
I just can't. 

Now you may be saying how? Simple, I just value myself so much more than the pain I am experiencing. It may seem like I am being selfish but I assure you I am not. The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different outcome. There is no point. There is no reason as to why I should keep torturing myself and the other party involved. 

I could make a lemonade if I had lemons but I was given sour limes. 

Hurt is to be dealt in whichever way you see fit, sometimes that is trying harder, trying smarter, trying better. Sometimes that is realizing there is no reason to keep trying. It doesn't mean you are a failure or that you have given up. It just means that there was something that changed in you or the other party. A realization that there is no need to keep up with the insanity you keep creating for yourself. 

I've been sad and hurt for many years, and I'm tired of telling myself that it'll get better without changing anything. 

Xo, 
Ivon Auriemma